More thoughts on becoming a homeowner

Not surprisingly, this whole buying a house business has turned me into a worse insomniac than I already was. Although the process has gone pretty smoothly, there are still a few things I can't get my head around.

I can't believe anyone would enter into this blithely. I can't believe that anyone was EVER allowed to buy a house with no money down. When you hand over a large sum of money and get a house in return, you are essentially handing over a big old garbage bucket filled to the brim with all the aggravation, boredom, frustration, and disappointment you've ever felt at work, and you are getting god-knows-what in return...something that looks good, something that the inspector says is okay, but you are getting a big honking expensive unknown.

Also, you are getting a neighborhood. You are getting neighbors, and you are getting the legacy of their decades-long disputes. You are getting 2-way stops that should be 4-way stops, and soon-to-be abandoned Catholic churches. You are getting empty storefronts that may or may not be filled anytime soon, or with anything useful. You are getting a new array of restaurants and shops that you may not like as much as the ones in your old neighborhood. And when you buy in the winter, you are getting a leaf-raking project that you can't even imagine yet.

I can't believe that anyone would buy a house without understanding that they're getting the neighborhood, and that they've got a huge stake in it, and they're primarily responsible for keeping it running, patronizing the local businesses, and making sure their neighbors aren't suffering. It's like getting married and not realizing you're getting in-laws, and they're forever.

Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could just think about paint colors.

Want to be a reality TV star?

The casting director for a new reality TV show, The World's Strictest Parents, is in Cleveland right now. Interested? Here's what came through my inbox....

AMERICA’S BEST PARENTS WANTED

TO HOUSE AND GUIDE TEENS IN NEED ON NEW TV SHOW:

Cleveland no-nonsense moms and dads encouraged to apply immediately!

Los Angeles, CA – The producers of international parenting phenomenon SUPERNANNY and U.S. cable hits It’s Me Or The Dog (Animal Planet) and The Real Housewives of NYC (BRAVO) are now searching for families to host a rebellious teenager for a few days on a brand new series.

Casting Producer Shannon McCarty will be in Cleveland March 23rd through 26th to interview potential host families.

The casting team is searching Ohio to find the best parents in the country from every type of background and culture to take part in a social experiment exploring the world of the 21st century teenager matched against contemporary, tried-and-true parenting styles. Producers are seeking parents with unique interests; parents with strong family values; conservatives; farmers; parents with devout religious beliefs; academics; eco-friendly parents; and parents who have ordinary or extraordinary circumstances.

“This is a really exciting show and a chance for rebellious teenagers who want to change their ways to learn about how other families bring up their teenage kids,” said executive producer Nick Emmerson about the show which is set to start filming in 2009.

Moms and dads, if you are proud of your firm family structure, have well behaved kids, and want to show off your unflinching strict parenting skills, the casting team would like to hear from you. This is an opportunity to show other families how to raise their children the right way.

Interested parents may apply from anywhere via www.theworldsstrictestparents.com. They can also call 888-41-TEENS (1-888-418-3367) or email teens@ricochettelevision.com for more information.

The producers of this show are based in Los Angeles and also have offices in London and Brighton. The company is one of the leading independent production companies of high quality un-scripted television programming in theUnited States and abroad. The international phenomenon, SUPERNANNY, launched the company in the United States where they are building an innovative reputation for creating transformational, critically acclaimed reality based documentary style television.

Horizontal Books is Open for Business!

You can imagine my surprise when I found out that the Bookstore on West 25th, which closed last year, was going to be replaced with ... another bookstore. (Which actually kind of sucks, now that I'm going to be moving out of Ohio City.)

Horizontal Books, which advertises a progressive discount system (50% off for the first book, 60% for the second, etc.), opened this past Saturday.

For weeks now I've walked past the place as they've put up shelves, then filled the shelves with books, then placed a "sorry, we're closed" sign in the front window in preparation for the big flip over to "open, come on in!"

I popped in briefly this evening as they were getting ready to close. The place smells like new lumber and sawdust, and they've adopted the "face-out" shelving technique that I recall being particularly enamored of as a YA librarian -- all the books are displayed with their covers facing out, which means there aren't as many books in the store, but the ones that are there mean business. They want you to see them, and they want to get bought.

So next time you're at the West Side Market, pop in and grab a handful of new cookbooks.

Horizontal Books, 1921 West 25th St, Cleveland. Hours are in the vicinity of Monday-Saturday, 10-6. Sorry, I was too dopey with excitement to notice if they were open Sunday.

Thought on becoming a homeowner

We are buying a house in Edgewater, contingent on a couple of things. It's not my dream house, but then again, I don't think it's good to hold out for your dream anything because that's a surefire way to sink into the swamp of indecision.

Everyone asks, "aren't you excited?" The answer is, not really. Parting with a large sum of money hurts. I feel compelled to write that in all caps: IT HURTS. IT M$&*(@F*#$ING HURTS.

During this process I've been constantly astounded that anyone would ever have entered into the housebuying process lightly. The fact that I saved up my money and waited instead of not putting any money down and not waiting makes me feel really, really out of touch with "Mainstream America," I guess.

The Best Pizza

Like everyone, I've got my favorite pizza places in Cleveland. And although I'd probably fly into a chimplike rage if someone started knocking them, I've concluded that, like wall-to-wall carpet, pizza is an intensely personal thing, and it's probably best if we just stay away from "Best Of" designations this week.

How did I come to this conclusion? The sheer volume of pizza I've eaten over the last 31 years, which was greatly augmented the year I lived in coastal New Jersey. An awful lot of it claimed to be "the best." It wasn't.

Pizza is a mostly emotional thing. Ask someone why they're so kissy-face over their favorite pie and they'll give you some vague answer about the sweetness of the sauce or the crispiness of the crust. But if you press them for more, a story will invariably come out. A story about love, youth, the old neighborhood, death on a mountaintop (well, maybe not that....) In my early twenties I had a boyfriend who was hell-bent on making sure I'd tasted every single one of his favorite Cleveland-area pizzas. There was a story attached to each one.

So what's your favorite pizza-related memory? Or, if you want, your least favorite?

CPW: The Aftermath of Day One

Cleveland Pizza Week got off to a rocky start last night -- we thought we'd compare Guy's big New York-style and Guy's deep-dish Chicago-style. Bottom line: I've had exactly three bad pizzas in my life. One was in Sheridan, Wyoming. One was from Ohio City Pizza. And the other was Guy's Chicago-style, which can only be described using one word: wet.

Yeah.

And while I still wholeheartedly recommend Guy's for (for lack of a better term) regular pizza, the New York-style was nowhere near flaccid and greasy enough to be authentic. Sorry, Guy.

I think I'm going to regroup with a dinner of pears, gorgonzola, and crackers tonight.

But I'll be back tomorrow....

Cleveland Pizza Week Begins!

Today is the first day of Cleveland Pizza Week. Since me : pizza :: Cookie Monster : cookies, this is destined to become the most important week of the year for me, perhaps second to Thanksgiving week -- although I'm sure I could easily turn Thanksgiving into a sort of Cleveland Pizza Week II.

(During the year I lived in Montana, I developed an addiction to Safeway-brand frozen pizzas, which you can't get out here because we have no Safeways. That Thanksgiving I made turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and Safeway pizza. Thanksgiving proved itself very pizzable.)

So. Let's talk tomato pies this week, shall we? Where are your favorite (and least favorite) places? Is it possible to determine what the "best" pizza really is? What do you drink with your pizza? What is your best (or worst) pizza-related memory? Ever make your own pie?

Stay tuned for more coverage! Up next: does Guy's big New York-style measure up to my beloved Alba's in Queens....

T-Shirt Culture

In preparation for Cleveland Pizza Week, I found this little gem about a pizza place that's found a creative way to strike back at negative comments on yelp.com: it's excerpting the comments on its employees' t-shirts. Blogger Adam Kuban at Slice likens this to "the way that minority groups attempt to reclaim certain derogatory terms...from the dominant culture."

Hmmm. How could this strategy benefit Cleveland? Could we pull some choice words from cleveland.com and market them to our advantage? Would you wear a t-shirt that said, "Last one out...turn out the lights?"