Today is my birthday

I am 31 today. Here is a list of things I would expect at my ideal birthday party:

• Personal appearance by Judge Judy
• The SuperHost polka band that played at the CLE- exhibit at Asterisk last year
  
• Bobbing for pierogies (they'd be floating in beer)
• Cleveland's a Plum cake
• A velvet Frank Jackson to hang above my mantelpiece
  
• Private performance by the Dorothy Fuldheim impersonator

But I'll take what I can get, which will probably just be a trip to Arby's.