"Cobwebs" and "Shipwrecked"

...are two words recently used to describe my blog. Sorry for the dry spell, but buying a house has pretty much wiped me out. I want to especially apologize to any readers who have asked me specific questions about Cleveland or Edgewater or whatever and received no answer from me. I should have a 1-800 number to call about these things, but who am I kidding, I'd probably ignore that too.

Here are the top five things I've learned from the house experience so far.

1. There will always be some kind of egregious error in your paperwork, so go through it with a fine toothed comb and a hefty dose of suspicion.

2. If you like old houses, don't buy an old house that's been re-fitted with a bunch of cheap IKEA fixtures, unless you like cheap IKEA fixtures. You will spend a lot of money replacing these things.

3. Paint is expensive. Fuck, everything is expensive. I hate Home Depot.

4. Don't sneeze while holding an open packet of heliotrope seeds because those suckers are tiny and once you've spilled them everywhere you will never find them again. Well, not until they start growing out of the cracks in your driveway.

5. When you're not around, the house is laughing at you.

Stay tuned for more sporadically updated house stories. But don't expect anything, you know, DIY, because I spent two nights priming my entire kitchen with a 2-inch brush. Apparently we believe in doing things in the most inefficient manner possible.