And now for something completely different.....

.....for your holiday reading pleasure, a trio of Crabbles (Cleveland drabbles), inspired by my Christmas eve trip to the West Side Market.

1.
At 10, Frank showed up for his small decaf. As usual, he was wearing his moth-eaten tweed coat and partially unraveled wool vest. Today a Santa hat was parked on his head in direct contrast to his sour expression.

“Ralph died yesterday,” he said as Lucy handed him the cup.

“Two days before Christmas?”

“And he was about to retire, too.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Lucy hoped her relief sounded like sympathy. Frank shrugged and shuffled away.

The animatronic Santa on the counter waggled his finger at her, as if to chortle “Shame, shame, shame. Merry Christmas!”

Lucy hated Ralph.


2.
Katie circled through the market three times before she finally decided to buy the dobos torte.

Dobos torte was, after all, the only thing she and Jason had left in common.

After the affair (she’d only just stopped calling it “the Troubles,” like in Northern Ireland) Katie had tried to put things right by learning his grandmother’s recipe. But she never got it right.

As she rounded the corner, Katie saw Mrs. Szabo handing the box to an old man at the counter.

“Last one, Mr. Mikulas” she chirped.

He winked at Katie as he passed.

“Kellemes karácsonyi,”* he said.


3.
(for Kim, who is unfortunately hosting the Mucinex family this Christmas)

Teri saw the old woman through a gap in the crowd and panicked.

“Afternoon, ma’am!” barked the man behind the meat counter. His arms were covered in red, bloody juices, and the fleshless heads of unidentifiable ruminants grinned from beneath the glass case.

“Baa!” The man chuckled when Teri jumped. “Just kidding. Can I interest you in some lamb livers? Very good with some onions, carrots--”

Teri scanned the crowd, her heart thumping. There she was -- her white curly head bobbing closer, her wire-rimmed spectacles glinting like the devil’s orthodontia.

“I can’t,” Teri hissed, ducking down. “The librarian is coming.”

*************

*"Merry Christmas," in Hungarian -- if I've got it wrong, please let me know!

My Holiday Event Picks

This is my first holiday season at home since 2003. What do I recommend doing? I'll tell you.

Buy holiday treats at the West Side Market. In addition to the usual pig's feet, yesterday I witnessed a veritable wonderland of carnage. I saw whole sheep heads (complete with eyeballs), several species' worth of tongues, pork stomachs, huge swaths of back fat.... There's nothing like celebrating the birth of the Son of God (or, worshipping a tricked-out conifer, depending on how you swing) with a wheelbarrow full of mammal parts. The cute little anklebiter who accompanied me on this trip was transfixed by a giant, bloody pig's head, which I'm sure he recognized as something that once had feelings (like revenge, perhaps).

If you don't know what to do with all of these parts, you can always just buy Christmas sausage, duck legs, and poppyseed roll. (Theresa's has an assortment of fancy little desserts, and I've been eyeing the Sicilian pistachio torte at Cake Royale.) Or, you can head over to Athens Pastries and buy a good bottle of Tokaji and toast Iorek Byrnison, king of the armored bears. (If you don't get that, go against what the Pope told you and read The Golden Compass.)

Celebrate Miracle on 25th Street. Starting at 6 PM on Saturday, December 22, more than a dozen Ohio City restaurants will be offering specials like these in exchange for a donation -- this year’s charity will be the Comprehensive Burn Care Center at MetroHealth.

Listen to some good music at Old Home Night at the Beachland. Not exactly holiday-oriented, but my friend's band is playing so once you've had your fill of Ohio City get on the Shoreway and head east. From the Beachland website: "Spearheaded by author Michael Decapite (Through the Windshield) and friends, OLH is not unlike a class reunion for old punks/beatniks/hippies/weirdos in the Cleveland mold, who've either moved out of town, or who've even stayed in town! Stories will be told, drinks will be had, and dancing will occur." 9 PM Saturday Dec. 22 in the Tavern. $5.

Head to HolidayFest Akron. Featuring "the biggest Christkindl market between New York and Chicago" with handcrafted items from Chemnitz, Germany. I'm hoping I can combine this with a trip to Luigi's and/or the West Point Market. (The following is just a test to see whether my husband actually reads my blog: I love Akron.)

Walleye Madness. I challenge anyone who thinks they're after authentic experiences to go to the 12th Annual Walleye Drop at midnight New Year's Eve in Port Clinton. Come on, prove to me you're not just a hopeless poseur!

I also would have recommended the 2007 Emerging Cleveland tours, but they are all sold out -- again!

ps -- I forgot one. Download Lee Murdock's Christmas Goes to Sea album from CD Baby. It's $20 and 91% of this will go directly to Lee Murdock, whom I've had a longstanding schoolgirl crush on.

Did You Know...

...that you can't use a credit card to buy liquor in Ohio? We found this out while trying to buy bourbon for our eggnog. And I thought Ohio was all progressive for selling wine au supermarché. [update: apparently there is some discrepancy on whether this is true. I can't find anything in the Ohio Administrative Code or the Ohio Revised Code saying it's law, but I can easily imagine this qualifying as procedure or preference on behalf of the state, rather than something that's got to be written in the books. I'm investigating further.... update 2: The Ohio Division of Liquor Control tells me that it's completely up to the contract liquor agent (i.e., the store) whether they're going to accept credit cards. What we thought was odd was that this particular store would accept credit for beer and wine, but not hard liquor. Is this typical? Anyone? It's not a matter of life and death, obviously, but I hardly ever carry more than $10 in cash and I don't have an ATM card. So it's good to know.]

...that RTA just did (IMHO) a pointless hack job on my beloved #22 bus? [update: it wasn't pointless; either they reduce service or cut service. Stop being such a pampered baby. God, New York made me so soft.] Looks like they revamped a lot of routes and schedules. Jim can't take the #35 to work anymore, which is too bad because we'd considered it one of the great gilded perks of living here. [He can now transfer and take the #17, though.] And I don't know what it says about this area that a circulator between Coventry and Shaker Square isn't viable. Whatever it is, it's disappointing.

...that my city councilman is facing a recall election? [update: he survived to live another day].

...that the best time to visit the West Side Market is right before they close because you can get amazing steals like a 10-lb butternut squash for $1? (I'm going to make butternut crème brulée.) [update: Jim's cousin came over for the first time this morning and what was she impressed with? My housekeeping skills? My awesome Christmas decorations? No. The squash.]

Favorite Books of 2007

For the past two years, I've been keeping track of what I've read using LibraryThing. (I've recently switched over to GoodReads - be my friend.)

So, I've been looking through my LibraryThing and realizing that I didn't read much this year that I was enthusiastic about. With the exception of Harry Potter, I don't think I read a single new book -- I started a few, like The God Delusion, but meh. Nevertheless, I was able to pick out 10 highlights:

1. The Neverending Story, by Michael Ende
Surely you've seen the movie. Bastian was such a nerd that I wanted to beat up on him, and I was on the Academic Challenge team. Well, the movie only covers 1/3 of the book and substantially changes the meaning of the story -- a fact that so angered the author, he sued the producers. Read it in tandem with #2.

2. The Hero with a Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell
This has got to be one of the most oft-referenced books of all time. How many people have read it, though? (note: Amazon.com doesn't seem to have any non-used copies of this book; how can that be? Surely it hasn't gone out of print....)

3. The Last Picture Show, by Larry McMurtry
I will never eat canned peaches again.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling
In retrospect, I realize I read so few good books this year because I spent a huge part of the spring and summer scouring the first six Harry Potter books for clues. If you scoff at the power of Potter, keep it to yourself, here -- the Harry Potter experience was one of the best memories I've got.

5. Conversations with Kurt Vonnegut, ed. William Rodney Allen
I got this from the library as soon as he died, as a way of mourning, I guess. Everyone should have an author they take really personally, and Vonnegut was one of mine. Particularly because he believed that we should all be in the business of helping each other out, somehow. Here's a quote from a 1973 interview with David Standish:

It goes against the American storytelling grain to have someone in a situation he can't get out of, but I think this is very usual in life. There are people, particularly dumb people, who are in terrible trouble and never get out of it, because they're not intelligent enough. And it strikes me as gruesome and comical that in our culture we have an expectation that a man can always solve his problems. There is that implication that if you just have a little more energy, a little more fight, the problem can always be solved. This is so untrue that it makes me want to cry -- or laugh.

6. The American Dream: A Short History of an Idea that Shaped a Nation, by Jim Cullen
The United States is perhaps the only country in the world that wasn't formed by geographic accident but because of an idea: that everyone is equal and should have the same chances in life. However that idea has or hasn't worked out, this is a good exploration of the concept.

7. How I Live Now, by Meg Rosoff
This was simply one of the best books I've read in forever. Sort of like Kid Nation and 28 Days Later combined. That could have gone wrong, but this was utterly Printzworthy.

8. The Devil in the White City, by Erik Larsen
The Gilded Age fascinates me.

9. Rebecca, by Daphne du Maurier
I picked this up while I was working on The Encyclopedia of Fantasy and Horror Fiction. I can't believe I'd gotten this far in life without reading any Gothic literature.

10. Rebel Angels, by Libba Bray
Unputdownable. I think that if you want to write for young adults -- which I do -- studying this book and its predecessor, A Great and Terrible Beauty, surely won't hurt you.

Consumption

I figured that it was my duty as a blogger to have at least one post about consumption during the holidays.

I love Christmas. I love Charlie Brown and Mr. Heat Miser. I love Christmas trees, even though we were never allowed to have a real one (my mom blamed it on "allergies," although the reputedly allergic person was never named. Given that there were only four people in our house, it was a pretty obvious lie.) I even like how Christmas starts somewhere around Halloween these days.

Two things I hate, though, are a) shopping and b) having lots of stuff. So Christmas is tricky.

I also hate the word "consumption," because it implies that the stuff that you buy or receive is eventually going to go away. This is hardly ever the case, of course, as that stuff manages to take up more and more space in your house until you do what I always do -- move.

So when Christmas shopping for other people, I try and buy things that are actually going to be consumed. As in, they won't be around for more than 30 days, or can at least be poured down the sink.

There are the obvious consumable gifts like cookies, but generally people need more holiday cookies like they need an infected raccoon bite. So, here are some non-cookie consumable holiday gift ideas.

Stamps. Everyone uses them, nobody likes buying them.

RTA farecards. The idea being that if you've got them, you'll use them.

Meat. I rarely buy meat -- it always seems so expensive. So, give the luxurious gift of meat. At Badstuber & Sons (at the West Side Market), they've got cherry smoked kielbasa. Mmm. Mmmeat.

Gift certificates for groceries. They have 'em at Nature's Bin, available in any denomination.

Beer, wine, and spirits. It's expensive to have a well-stocked liquor cabinet, isn't it? Do that hard-to-buy-for person on your list a favor and get him a bottle of flavored vodka. Or, buy Grandma a nice bottle of amaretto to tip into her evening cocoa. Or, check out the wine and beer selection at Athens Pastries & Imported Foods. They've got wine from everywhere in the world. I also recommend all of the wines at Montezuma Winery in Seneca Falls, New York.

Coffee. In addition to holiday gift crates, Phoenix Coffee will also ship you the absolute freshest roast they have.

Tea. City Roast has a spicy Christmas tea right now. I recommend the tea selection at the Monastery - try the Heavenly Comfort (#110a).

Memberships. The best thing about memberships is that they are completely intangible -- no bottles to throw out, even. A Cleveland Cinemathèque membership is only $30!

What are your favorite low-impact gifts?

update: First aid kits. This was probably the best gift I ever received. I thought of it just now when I burned the heck out of my hand making brussels sprouts, of all things.

Pedestrian

I'm having trouble coming up with a phrase I can use to describe my lifestyle.

I walk everywhere and if I'm not walking, I'm taking public transit. This is the lifestyle everyone lives in New York, and in most large (non-US) cities around the globe, so you don't need a phrase to describe it. But here, I have trouble explaining it. I get weird looks -- the kind you give animal amputees.

Car-free sounds snobby at best and at worst, it mimics "disease-free."

Saying "I don't have a car" is a) technically untrue, because we do have a car (I can't drive stick, and Jim has it most of the time anyway) and b) sounds like I'm deprived, which is not how I feel. ("Oh, honey, you don't have a car? I'll come pick you up.")

Saying "I don't drive" is also technically untrue, because I am the proud owner of a State of Ohio drivers license. Also, it begs the question, "did you get a DUI?" Which I did NOT.

What do you think? Can you help me come up with a phrase? Something better than "public transporcitizen." (I just made that up. It's terrible.)

(ps- I don't like the word "lifestyle" either. It's also terrible. I didn't make that one up, though.)

That Old Skyline Feeling

To get an idea of what you see crossing the river on the Red Line, Urban Ohio has the best skyline pictures.

Downtown Observations, Part Two

[advance warning: will be brief; I smashed my fingers in a heavy door this afternoon and typing hurts]

My husband Jim and I went to Tower City this weekend to see The Golden Compass. (I'll tell you what I thought if you really want to know; I don't want to ruin it for anyone.) This was the first time Jim had been downtown in oh, three years, and to Tower City in he couldn't remember how long. It was the first time he'd ridden the Rapid in 20 years, at least!

The Rapid.
Ahh, the Rapid. It's like a little toy train (that would sound condescending if I didn't feel the same way about the Boston T). But the view going over the Cuyahoga River ... you just can't beat that. It's way better than the Roosevelt Island tram. But like the Roosevelt Island tram, taking the Red Line over the Cuyahoga River into downtown should be on one of those Top 20 Must-Do Things in some future Cleveland guidebook.

If you care what I have to say about RTA maps and schedules, please see my comments on Tim Ferris's blog. (And the responses of Jerry Masek from RTA).

Tower City.
I don't care what my sister says, I think Tower City is an attractive mall. That said, it's still a mall, which means I won't be going there much. (I just don't shop). It's too bad...I'd like to go there, but I just don't see any reason to. Maybe if it had a farmers market. What about a CityFresh stop at TC, for all the yuppie locavores who care about that stuff? (Ahem, I mean the good people who work downtown....)

Public Square.
Pretty Christmas lights. Pretty tree. Scary crossing the street.

Warehouse District.
When I visited Cleveland about two and a half years ago, I took a look at the Warehouse District for the first time since I was at Cleveland State, when there was pretty much nothing there. It looked good. It looks even better now. Whoever said Constantino's was small -- you've never been grocery shopping in Queens, have you? (Let me repeat: for an urban grocery, Constantino's was freaking huge.) Jim and I were pretty impressed at the scale, and especially the wine selection. I'm still glad we picked Ohio City, though - I don't think I could've handled all the young professionals drinking and carousing.

Also - I might be missing something, but does RTA not really go through the Warehouse District?

I'm really curious to go down and have a look at the Flats, because guess how many times I've been to the Flats? Once. Ever.

This is my brain on drugs.....

[update: I forgot...I wanted to thank the anonymous reader who sent me an intriguing job posting the other day. I think I'm a bit underqualified, but when it comes to applying for jobs my philosophy most approximates the slogan of the New York State Lottery ("Hey...you never know!")]

I haven't been online much in the last week because my thinking ability took a little vacation when the decongestants came out of the medicine cabinet (as always).

Meanwhile, just to prove I haven't expired, here are some recipes I've enjoyed lately:

• Cauliflower Risotto with Spicy Pangratatto c/o my favorite food blog, The Travelers Lunchbox
• Turkish Poached Eggs with Yogurt and Spicy Sage Butter
• Walleye with a Mustard-Caraway Crust
• Chestnut and Chorizo Soup c/o Chocolate and Zucchini
• Mustard Chicken with Maple Syrup and Bacon - try using hickory syrup, too
• Dolci di Castagna (aka Chestnut Creams) - little deep-fried chocolate chestnut cookies...mmm....