Story of the Stans

Today's featured article on Wikipedia, which I am generally suspicious of and cynical about, is the History of Central Asia, which I'm particularly interested in, so you should check it out.

Meanwhile, all 1100+ pages of James Clavell's Whirlwind is staring me in the face. Dare I begin such a weighty tome? It's pretty intimidating. Although, I'll bet I'm the only person to have checked out that book and Judge Judy's Don't Pee on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining in the same visit to the NYPL. (Hey, it came in handy during an unanticipated Sunday morning jaunt to the emergency room. Shockingly, said visit wasn't for Old Sunken Eyed Cancer-Elbow.)

Wednesday Whines III: This Time It's Personal

I'm feeling analytical instead of creative today, so instead of making up phony whines, I've classified a few types of my own:

1. The why must I suffer in a world full of mental defectives whine.
Example: "Why is it that every other woman in my age demographic that I see on the train is reading something inane like People or Glamour while I'm reading Eastward to Tartary?"

2. The why hasn't nature yet bowed to my indestructible will whine.
Example: "Someone needs to do something about that g-d damn sun shining or I'm gonna freak out!"

3. The don't you dare try and drag me into the so-called twenty first century if I don't wanna go whine. (Also popular with senior citizen Monday Moaners).
Example: "Every time I go to the bank they hassle me about not having direct deposit. What if I enjoy interacting with their smiling, happy selves?"

4. The why wasn't the world created to fit my individual tastes and whims whine.
Example: "I'm sick of only finding 'stretch' jeans at the store. Why I should I suffer because everyone else is fat and can't properly fit into their clothes?"

5. The why can't you tell what I'm thinking you inconsiderate sewer-dweller whine. (Similar to Whine #4).
Example: "To all you whistlers on the subway: shut up already!"

Moot Point

I don't want to be a political blogger, because the Internet is already crowded with people pretending what they have to say is important, but wouldn't the matter of Iran gaining nuclear technology be a moot point if nuclear technology was banned for being the environmental hazard that it is? Just wondering.

Killer Bass

My mom is always quick to point out potential disasters that might befall me, but I beat her to the punch with this story about the guy who killed his neighbors (two well-known artists, I might add) because they complained about his excessive noise:

"Cifelli lived in a three-story condominium building at West 75th Street and Detroit Avenue, where Masumi Hayashi, 60, and John Jackson, 51, also lived.

They were shot Thursday evening after Hayashi had complained, yet again, about the loud music coming from Cifelli's massive stereo system, police said."

Ahh, the pitfalls of gentrification. Proving once more that the world doesn't need more artists, it needs more jerks with loud stereos. It's pretty hard to contain my disgust.

Of all my (many, many) past noisy neighbors, I think the one most likely to have gone off half-cocked was the guy that lived downstairs from me in Cleveland Heights, who had large, drunken poker parties every Sunday (and occasionally Monday) nights, which almost always involved one of his meatheaded buddies parking his SUV in my spot (which I paid $35 a month for!)

I remember going down there one particular evening as I neared the final draft of my master's thesis, asking him if he wouldn't mind keeping it down. One of the Zima-enhanced buddies answered the door, as was customary, slurring "suresure, wool bequiet" and J--- muscled his way in, saying "hey! youcomedownhere evurrry week, an' I nevurrcomplain about all the noise from yurr cat running around. Fair's fair. I'm having my guys ovurrwhenevurr I wanna."

He was actually comparing the sound of one eight-pound cat chasing a catnip mousie around the floor once in a while to the sound of fifteen to twenty drunken ex-frat boys blasting the Green Day and Candlebox and Bush of their ever-waning youth and yelling "Fuck me!" every time one of them got a good hand.

"Mad" doesn't describe how I felt. Certainly "irritated," "testy," "incensed," don't get to it either. "Apoplectic" is more like it, although what's that state the Vikings would get into right before going on a pillaging spree? Oh yeah, "berserk."

(On second thought, maybe my mom sent me that article as a warning against what I might be capable of, not my loud neighbors!)

The Fruits of My UnLabor

This morning I woke up to find that in an orgy of self-satisfied destructive pleasure, my cat had ripped up the postage-paid Netflix envelope from last night's movie.

Once, this would have sent me into a rage, but today it didn't bother me, which I'm convinced is a direct result of working less and not driving.

Late Summer

I know it's nearing late summer because I first heard the crickets last night - the katydids have been out for a while now, as well as the mysterious buzzing insects. Although it's hard to hear the crickets over the noise from the freeway and the egregious air conditioners (does one really need to put on the AC when it's 65 degrees at night?), they are a welcome reminder of nights in Ohio, driving past weedy thickets (just ripe for development) of orange and red and yellow leaves and little blue periwinkle flowers, eating locally grown roasted lima beans and potatoes, enjoying the smell of a good early Macintosh apple - the smell that's gone once you've washed it and cut it up.

Five years ago on a white water rafting trip in Montana I made a remark about hating nature that's become infamous among my friends, has become one of those things that characterizes me. I think that's going away. After nearly a year spent in New York my thirst for nature has become pretty apparent.

There are some who wish for wilderness though what they really want is Central Park, where every rock and tree was artfully placed by very human hands. Then there is the goddess of storms.

Wednesday Whines II

More from Leaveland, for those who miss my sweet complaining voice. Will the real whine please stand up?

It used to be when you watched foreign-speaking people on TV, they'd have subtitles, or a translator. Now, you get subtitles with people who are speaking English. What's happened, have Americans become so dumb and ignorant they can't understand their own language? -Polishville

Paris Hilton has got to be the most useless person on the planet. What if Einstein had devoted all his time to carrying around a silly little dog in a purse? -- Leaveland Heights

Whoever thought up those tri-fold paper towels that you get in public bathrooms must be king of his own empire by now. It only takes one towel to dry your hands, but 45 of them always come out! -- Fazio Village

My complaint is about iPods. Whenever I see someone bobbing their head along to music I can't hear, I want to rip out those little earbuds and shove them up the person's nostrils. -- Ghoulardia

I'm angry because they sissified the theme music to the Jim Lehrer News Hour. What's the matter, America, can't handle some hard music for some hard news? Boy, that show started going downhill when it stopped being the MacNeil-Lehrer Report. --Eagleton

Wednesday Whines

Among my guiltiest pleasures are Monday Moaning and recently, Audient's Tuesday Talkback. I love Clevelanders' ability to turn anything into a complaint.

So in the spirit of fun (and to give my far-flung friends and relatives something to look forward to), I've decided to start Wednesday Whining. (I think Eric Broder used to do this in the Free Times of old, once in a while. I miss that.) Set in the fictional city of Leaveland, Mohio, Wednesday Whining will feature a bunch of silly complaints and one real one (mine). See if you can guess which one is real.

• My beef is with these cereal companies. Who's to say I want it to stay crunchy in milk? I can't be the only person on earth who likes soggy bran flakes. -- Little Llubljana

• When I was a kid, crows used to be a lot smaller. What's happened to them?? Now I always feel like I have to worry when I put Puddles out on the lawn that some crow is going to fly off with him. -- Oldville Heights

• Hey, ADM, you've been showing us those stupid commercials for years now about how great you are for developing biofuels. If you're really "making progress", how come I still can't get corn gas at the pump?? --NoHopA

• I'm sick of getting stuck on the sidewalk behind slow-moving women who insist on wearing flip flops and other improper footwear. Put on a decent pair of shoes, honey, and get out of my way! --New York City

• How come you never see animals mating on nature shows anymore? Has the religious right taken that away from us too? Let go of PBS, Pat Robertson and company - I need my fix of kangaroo penises! -- Flakewood