What a Cleveland Accent Sounds Like

I'm totally thrilled by George Nemeth's new audio posts on Brewed Fresh Daily. My coworkers here in Jersey made me say "coffee" and "chocolate" the other day just so they could simultaneously laugh and cringe at my funny way of talking. (Yeah, like a nasal "cawwffee" and "chawwcolate" sound really great, guys.)

It feels good to hear someone who talks like me. If you still don't believe in the existence of a Cleveland Accent, listen carefully to the way George says "actually" about 6 seconds into this one. (Apologies to George if this makes him self-conscious: you can thank Dr. Greppin at CSU for stoking my interest in regional linguistics.)

Speaking of which, try this quiz to see if you can guess where the speaker is from. (Then go to your local library and check out Do You Speak American?)

Thinking About Moving to Cleveland?

I'm hosting one of the library's new teen librarians this weekend, and I'm putting together a home-spun relocation guide for her. She's young and seems cool, so I'm a little worried that she'll be bored here. But in the interest of helping OCL retain as many of its new hires as possible, I thought that showing her the cool stuff right away would give her a positive first impression and indelibly endear her to the Shore.

So, this project has gotten me started thinking about adding a "relocating to Cleveland?" page to this site, with a list of all the things would-be Cleveland relocators - especially if they're young(ish) and culturally-minded - shouldn't miss.

But it's been slow at the reference desk today and I'm in a terribly sleepy brain fog. So, give me a jump start here. What's your biggest Cleveland must-see?

7+ Cleveland Alternatives to Starbucks

Darby says one of the best things about Cleveland is that you can get 7 different good cups of coffee without walking into a Starbucks.

I haven't yet found a suitable coffee shop here in Jersey. Most people just drink Dunkin Donuts coffee, like they're actually falling for the Double D's "image rebranding." I'm from Cleveland. I don't buy it. So I spend a lot of time daydreaming about my ideal 7:

1. Truffles has an overstuffed flower garden on its patio and desserts that will force you to walk them off at nearby Edgewater Park.

2. Talkies. Oh, Talkies. The only coffee shop with a big screen. Right before I moved I met a friend and her 2-year-old there. Coffee shops aren't usually fun for the Big Wheel set, but the barista was kind enough to put Cartoon Network on in the film room - a lovely gesture. Try the elegantly simple, simply elegant Bogey and Bacall - a double shot of espresso poured over vanilla ice cream.

3. City Roast. (The Stone Oven, another of my favorite old haunts, also uses City Roast coffee.) I will now describe to you the perfect lunch: picture yourself holding, in one hand, a fresh, hot falafel sandwich. Next to you, wrapped in waxed paper is a substantive chunk of marble halvah, and in a little styrofoam container you have about 16 glistening kalamata olives. Oh, and a cup of City Roast coffee in your other hand. On the balcony overlooking the West Side Market. In fact, if I could somehow find employment enticing would-be relocators to Cleveland, this would feature prominently on the tour.

4. Common Grounds. I liked this place better during its first few years (back when it was owned by Veronica Darby, formerly of the Brick Alley) - it had a more artsy feel than its current guise as a smoky teen hangout. But it is 24/7 (or was last time I was there) and for those (ahem, east siders) who have never experienced Kamms Corners, you're missing out on a quintessentially Cleveland neighborhood.

5. Cafe Limbo was a favorite of mine when I worked at the Shaker Heights Public Library. This converted house on Larchmere is cozy, quirky, and full of dark gleaming hardwood. Beyond coffee: once they served me a big glass of hot milk with rose syrup. It was the most luscious, fragrant pink thing that February in Cleveland had to offer.

6. The Phoenix roasts their own and it shows. Need I say more?

7. Arabica. I hesitate to add this, because Arabica's coffee isn't actually good. However, sometimes it doesn't matter what you're drinking when you crave that bohemian, studenty atmosphere. In which case, going to Arabica University Circle is RBCA-approved.

+. You tell me. It's not like I went to every java joint in town....

Combating Boredom

I grew up in the homogeneous inner-ring suburb of Fairview Park. Apart from the occasional hullabaloo from the trailer park (on which my high school looked out) and a spot of homicide on the now (mostly) demolished Motel Row, life in the FP was pretty dull.

Back then I wasn't too good at figuring out things to combat that boredom. You have to be creative. Mostly I would just daydream about other places, poke around for cancerous lumps, and watch the Learning Channel.

Now I find myself in a similar situation - like a young teen caught in suburbia without a drivers' license, I live someplace where it's become clear that you have to make your own fun. Matters are made worse by the fact that I can't figure out if this is suburbia or what. What is this place? I've lived in a city, I've lived in the burbs, I've lived in a smallish college town in the Rockies, and I can't figure this one out.

But my resourceful friend Sue Problema pointed this out to me: when you're in a place where there isn't much going on, take the time to learn all those things you've been telling yourself you want to learn, or explore those perennially back burner interests. Here's what I've been into so far:

• Middle Eastern dance
• Bollywood music
• Knitting (yes, I want to be one of those people)

What do you guys do when you're bored?

10 Things Cleveland Should Be Proud Of

The skies are grey, there are grumpy Monday Moaners all around you, and it's snowed 98+ inches so far this winter. You're ready to relocate. There's absolutely nothing good about Cleveland.

If you tend to find yourself in that frame of mind, take some advice from someone who's left (twice, in fact.) Cleveland has a lot to offer. Here are a few assets you won't find anywhere else:

1. Cheap public transportation that gets you pretty much anywhere. Where else can you pay $3 for an unlimited daily pass?

2. The City Club Forum is the "oldest continuous free speech forum in the country." They've had speakers from George Bush to Dennis Kucinich, illuminating bigwigs and little people alike on national and regional issues. Most impressive is their longstanding New Leaders program, designed to mold young professionals into effective community leaders.

3. The Civic Innovation Lab supports, mentors, and funds programs that help Cleveland pull itself up by its bootstraps, ones that haven't been done before, ones that encourage those young creative types to try something new...something that might just help their little old hometown morph into something great. Take a look at the Urban Scrawl project for an idea of what I mean.

4. A bevy of alternative media outlets, such as the Free Times, Cool Cleveland, and Brewed Fresh Daily. Seriously, folks, don't take these guys for granted. You don't know what you're missing until you end up someplace without a decent local substitute.

5. Edgewater Park. It's free. Where I live, you have to pay $85 for a season pass just to get on the beach. Plus, Edgewater has an unparalleled view of the Cleveland skyline.

6. Rent is cheap and apartments with character are plentiful. It's pretty hard to find a studio for $1,000+ in Cuyahoga County.

7. The Cedar Lee and the Cinematheque. Trust me, there are lots of places in this beautiful land where you can't see an art flick without driving (and driving, and driving).

8. The West Side Market - move somewhere else, and you'll probably not be able to find 5 lbs. of zucchini for $1.

9. The Cleveland Metroparks. Central Park certainly can't boast hundreds of miles of hiking trails.

10. The CLEVNET Libraries. Maybe I'm a little biased, what with being a librarian and all, but the CLEVNET collection spans 30 library systems and 9 counties. It's completely free to use, and I never once requested a book that they didn't have somewhere in that vast network. If you're literate in Cleveland, take a moment to be grateful for CLEVNET.

Feel free to add your own....

Old Cleveland, New Cleveland

This past week I was in Cleveland just long enough to grab a PD and run down to Terminal A for a Burning River.

The Arts & Life section featured this story about the Old Cleveland image vs. the New (or, rather, wannabe) Cleveland image. Here's my letter to the editor, reproduced here in the event they don't publish it:

A recent casualty of the "brain drain", I chanced to be at Hopkins Airport the day of the "Old Cleveland, New Cleveland" story.


Speaking as someone who plans on coming back once I've made a quick and easy nest egg elsewhere, I can't decide if I'm annoyed or amused. So, let me get this straight: you want Cleveland to be full of Yuppie poseurs? I try my best to talk up Cleveland to my East Coast friends, but you're making it hard by presenting your dream image as exactly what New Yorkers think Midwesterners think New Yorkers are like.



What's more, I'm a librarian. Talk about a profession that's been maligned by that old stereotype of the harsh, shushing marm. Lately, though, we're plagued by the stereotype of the "next gen" librarian - a pierced, tattooed, intellectual, counter-culture ex-geek who'd just as easily Goth the night away as perform a knock-your-socks off Story Time the morning after.



Frankly, both are tiresome. What's most genuine is when you take the old stereotype and put a refreshing spin on it. Think of a young woman with a bun (dyed pink), glitzed-up sensible shoes, and a T-shirt that says "Marian [the Librarian] retired. I'm in charge now." Wouldn't we, as Clevelanders, rather take creative ownership of our grumpy, beer-guzzling heritage than become some hideous caricature of modern urban renewal?



I think so. It's actually pretty easy to twiddle your iPod in one hand while holding a Polish Boy in the other.

Dying Again

My recent trip to the eye doctor revealed a formerly undiagnosed ocular abnormality. Which has sent my hypochondria into high gear again. I'm now pretty sure I'm in the first stages of a certain chronic disease, one that involves pieces/parts of your brain dying off and leaving you with a mighty useless central nervous system.

I'm about to tell you what I've discovered during this relapse of hyper self-awareness.

First, hypochondria, like crime, doesn't pay. Hypochondriacs tend to use their amateur diagnoses as a sort of talisman against actual disease - "if I've imagined it, then I must have the power to ward it off." Hypochondriacs falsely prepare themselves for the actual diagnosis. They think they're ready to hear the doctor say, yes, you are going to die, so they can feel self-righteous - "oh, I knew it all along." But the truth is, now that I actually have what could be considered a problem, I am, emotionally, totally unprepared for the worst. I'm frantically thinking, no, just make it go away, if this is my punishment for being a hypochondriac then I'll stop, I'll stop right now and never poke around for tumors or stare at my abnormally shaped tongue in the mirror for hours again. I promise!

So I'm paralyzed. I can't go to the doctor. In a way, I'd almost rather just go undiagnosed and die from my chronic disease than have it exposed.

Second, I've discovered it's not the chronic disease I have a problem with at all. This realization was surprising and liberating. It's the culture of racing for the cure and making lemonade and all that crap that I have a problem with. I've always found those who so insist on the positive in everything that the negative just gets squelched down into this suppressed, denied little ball of emotional atrophy to be unbearable, even antithetical to the way I operate. You know, the types who say "cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me!" Getting enveloped into and smothered by that culture would be more of a hell for me that being trapped in a body that doesn't work right.

Third, I've decided that this hypochondria is an addiction. Beer and cigarettes have never been particularly addictive for me - yes, I like the pleasant buzz, but I really can stop, and have stopped, whenever I want to. Gambling I have to watch myself with, but hypochondria (along with caffeine, but that's another post for another day) is a habit that I can't just stop.

If anything, that makes me more sympathetic to alcoholics and smokers.

Sick Day

I stayed home sick today. Too much Ohio living I guess, as I hopped over to the Dayton Metro area for the weekend and came back exhausted and full of food. Here are some pictures, if you are at all interested.

New Specs

I'm not fond of this type of post, but there's something exciting about getting a new pair of glasses.



I've also decided that the red haired period of my life is over. I am decidedly too dark a person to masquerade as a fun-loving coppertop any longer. Sorry to those who liked it better the other way.