Your Face is Going to Freeze That Way
Clearly I'm not nostalgic for everything Cleveland, as it turned grey and snowy while I was at work and my general reaction was a scowling "awww, crap, I have to drive 20 miles home." Nary a road had been plowed, although my '92 BondoMobile has enough saline residue flaking off the undercarriage that I pretty much operate as a mean, one-librarian salt truck machine.
I noted on my way home that my odometer turned over to 90,000 while I was going through a traffic circle, and I'm interpreting this rite of passage to signify that I'm a true New Jerseyan now. Huzzah!
Hopefully this evening I won't be as plagued with the noise of young, heavily accented neighbors watching lousy flicks on a too-expensive entertainment system as I was last night. Huzzah again for my three best friends, with whom I am pictured here:
(Counterclockwise from bottom: Safeway pizza, precious Ohio-imported beer, earplugs, me)
Speaking of neighbors, in helping the Biggest Yankees Fan Ever (one of our most delightful patrons) this morning I stumbled across a new reality TV show called Love Thy Neighbor?! - compete with your irritating neighbors and win valuable prizes. (They're taking applications through March 1, so hurry up!) Unfortunately, you have to live in a house. Too bad, since the prize money would be enough for me to buy a house and get out of this crap shack.
It seems the producers are completely out of touch with where the most annoying neighbors live.
I noted on my way home that my odometer turned over to 90,000 while I was going through a traffic circle, and I'm interpreting this rite of passage to signify that I'm a true New Jerseyan now. Huzzah!
Hopefully this evening I won't be as plagued with the noise of young, heavily accented neighbors watching lousy flicks on a too-expensive entertainment system as I was last night. Huzzah again for my three best friends, with whom I am pictured here:
(Counterclockwise from bottom: Safeway pizza, precious Ohio-imported beer, earplugs, me)
Speaking of neighbors, in helping the Biggest Yankees Fan Ever (one of our most delightful patrons) this morning I stumbled across a new reality TV show called Love Thy Neighbor?! - compete with your irritating neighbors and win valuable prizes. (They're taking applications through March 1, so hurry up!) Unfortunately, you have to live in a house. Too bad, since the prize money would be enough for me to buy a house and get out of this crap shack.
It seems the producers are completely out of touch with where the most annoying neighbors live.
posted by Christine Borne at 6:46 PM
1 Comments:
Subject:
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater
Cleveland market:
Westlake Barbie:
This princess Barbie is sold only at Crocker Park. She comes with an assortment
of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey and a "cookie
cutter" $2,000,000.00 house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
conjunction with "augmented" version.
Parma Barbie:
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching
gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Collinwood Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Pontiac
with dark tinted windows and a crack pipe. This model is only available after dark
and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Unless you are
a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Hunting Valley Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included
are her own Starbucks
cup, credit card and "The Country Club" membership. Also available for
this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford
any of them.
Brunswick Barbie:
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR
shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and
a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate
flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Beachwood Barbie:
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks
cosmopolitans while entertaining
friends. Percocet prescription available.
Elyria Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken
out of another Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see through halter-top. Also
available with a mobile home.
University Circle Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet,
hairy armpits, no makeup and
Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow."
She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two University Circle
Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper
sticker for free.
Glenville Barbie:
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include
a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Lakewood Barbie/Ken:
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding
or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
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