Queen of the Bondo

Confession: I am probably not doing as much to help keep the polar bears from drowning as Al Gore would want me to. If I was a real cheapskate, I’d know a bunch of energy-saving secrets to cut my $200 gas bill in half, right? Or maybe I’d just be content freezing my ass off like these tree-hugging extremists.

Wrong. Scrolling through page after page of reader suggestions on Slate made me realize that I got nothin’ to offer in the “Be Efficient! Save Money!” department. My strategy is to keep the heat at 60 and work under three blankets, a cat, and multiple Snuggies. (Note: the Snuggies really don’t add much. Also, one size fits all is a LIE.)

Likewise, in the summer, I spend a lot of my time lying on the basement floor. Let me tell you, after having survived three New York City summers with no A/C, there’s no gift quite as divine as a basement. It helps to have a bottle of gin in the freezer at all times. Preferably, the freezer should be in the basement.

It’s not that I don’t believe in global warming. I do. It’s just that hanging a sheet of plastic over your windows is so hard, and takes so long. Do you know how many episodes of Columbo I could watch in the time it takes to winter-proof my house? Ugh. What a money-saving bore. I’d rather just concentrate on perfecting my boiled flour recipe and patching up the sweater I’ve been wearing since the third grade.