Queen of the Bondo

A cheapskate counts his pennies

A few years ago I took the infamous opinion writing for ladies class offered at the Woodhull Institute in New York. At the beginning of the class the teacher went around the room and asked us to name something we were an expert in. Apparently all the other ladies had read the New York Times article and knew what to expect — namely, that women were always too modest to “claim their expertise” — so I was the only one whose answer sounded dubious and mushmouthed.

(Hey, to my credit, this had less to do with being a woman and more to do with the fact that I read encyclopedias for a living and was literally an expert in nothing.)

Since then, I’ve realized there is one thing I can claim to be an expert in: not spending money.

This realization, however, did not come accompanied by a lightbulb. “Aha!” I did not say. “I can write op-ed pieces about this.” Nor did I feel a sudden, saintlike passion to enfold the financially burdened masses unto my thrifty breast.

Instead, I groaned. Not spending money was probably the one thing I couldn’t write about, ever, because listening to obnoxious people drone on about how virtuous they are for giving up their morning lattes and high-powered corporate attorney jobs in favor of earth-toned minimalism is such a downer that I think it is actually unconstitutional.

Besides, I have serious doubts about whether thrift can actually be taught — even amidst the Great Recession. I suspect that most of our latter-day frugalistas are looking for a way to maintain their current stuff-saturated lifestyles, by appearing to downscale their most conspicuous consumption while at the same time, spending as much as ever. (Think Real Simple magazine.)

That said, I’m going to give this a shot. Every Wednesday until I get bored with it, I’m going to post the Cheapskate Evangelist. The Cheapskate Evangelist will just be for fun. The Cheapskate Evangelist will probably do stupid cheapskate tricks like try and spend $15 a week on groceries for a whole month. The Cheapskate Evangelist will never whomp you over the head with the Cudgel of Virtue. The Cheapskate Evangelist honestly doesn’t care if you drop $83 on novelty cocktails and have no savings.

The Cheapskate Evangelist will always hold your hand, but will never judge you.