Queen of the Bondo

Ha ha just kidding. It totally is about Lebron James.

"Bye bye Cleveland."

For those of you who waste your precious pennies on fancy cable, tonight is an exciting night. At 9 pm EST you’ll get to witness the most important event in Cleveland history: a basketball player deciding the fate of our city on national television.

Regardless of Lebron’s decision, I guarantee that Cleveland will be a smoking ruin on Friday morning. Clevelanders have been waiting for an excuse to smash and destroy everything in sight for years now. It’ll be like the ultimate knock-down, drag-out fight with that live-in, on-again, off-again significant other who we secretly resent for being better than us/smarter than us/sexier than us. It’ll be cathartic. King James doesn’t know what he’s dealing with. Cleveland needs to get pissed. If he tries to make us happy, it’ll just backfire.

Mark my words, this’ll happen. I’ve already booked my midnight Megabus ticket outta here. Not only that, I’m fully prepared to get caught in the Lebron Riots of 2010 — as I write this, I feel I am hurtling toward my destiny. “I’ll be waiting for the train at Tower City when it happens,” I nervously told a friend this morning. She politely suggested I outfit myself with some makeshift riot gear. I looked around my house to see what could possibly protect me but all I came up with was a couple of badminton rackets, but I got them at Big Lots so I doubt they’re really riot-quality.

But seriously, I know there are a lot of people who are sick of hearing about Lebron, and annoyed that Clevelanders can’t seem to concentrate on important things. But if you allow me to be annoying and academic for a moment, I might argue that the Lebron saga is about the most important thing of all: the search for meaning in an age without myths and heroes. (more…)